Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
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Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!