Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
No chill.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.