Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.