My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
You Might Also Like
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”