Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
when you are just born a rebel
![]()
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.