*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I have no passwords left in me
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
When news reporters do sports stories
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.