I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
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For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
what’s more important?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”