We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi