“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
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“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦