Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
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My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
This might be me.
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all