neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”