My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
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The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater