respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
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The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”