Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
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[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks