Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

My teenage children choosing violence

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.