My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.