@MicheleAKALips

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

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@Contwixt

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

@suecorvette

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

@UduhEmeka

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

@GrantTanaka

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

@

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

@zachary_lampley

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

@karlainvt

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

@Cheeseboy22

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.