My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
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Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Taco Bell, Exit 22
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The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE