My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.