Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.