Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
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I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Ah yes. The three genders
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[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back