Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
no such thing as a dumb question
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Green is just blue that someone peed in
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.