I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
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Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.