Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
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Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no