*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
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Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.