Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
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[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
notice
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life