therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
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[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
pat pat
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.