This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
One venti cheeseburger please.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.