Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
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Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it