“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Me, flirting😏
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Happy thanksgiving!
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.