I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON