hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*looks at you in batman voice*
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁