Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash