*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
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We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
#Caturday
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Catering service
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW