Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic