Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already