cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
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Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️