Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.