8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?