Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.