Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
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Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
🤣dope
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.