Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
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Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Perfect
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT