DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
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me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
jesus christ confetti not now
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*