If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes