If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
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Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.