For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
You Might Also Like
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
can I use a minion as a tampon
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.