My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
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*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Today’s Times
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months