Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
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Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Finally!
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me