@CleverGirl85
@EndhooS Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
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@EndhooS 
@Cpin42 Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
@rdm_guy Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
@jakegarv3 Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
@lisaxy424 “zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
@bikinidiaper a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
@thrill_tweeter Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
@ilovecuredmeats [crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
@uccjeb Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
@ddsmidt Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.