If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

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Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*


Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?


Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.


Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.


“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night


a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans


Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!


[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time


Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.


Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.