If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
You Might Also Like
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.