@CleverGirl85

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

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@EndhooS

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

@rdm_guy

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

@jakegarv3

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

@lisaxy424

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

@bikinidiaper

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

@thrill_tweeter

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

@ilovecuredmeats

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

@uccjeb

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

@ddsmidt

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.