lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?