Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
You Might Also Like
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
The government even made aliens boring
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.