People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ