[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
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RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that