My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
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The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws