My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
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Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.