Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
You’ll be OK
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.