Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
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A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
This is a true ally.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.